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Sunday, 14 May 2006
ok...
ok, so i ended up with a few more minutes at work, and i just wanted to add in that i might transfer this journal to somewhere else, like a secret livejournal or something. (actually, i already have one of those, but maybe i'll make another one...
Posted by sakurablaze130
at 7:41 PM
venting
Mood:
 incredulous
Now Playing: stupify
so, i just kinda need to get some stuff out even though i'm not quite sure what that stuff is. i just feel that it helps when i spill my soul. Rigo<---hence the change of status by not calling him by his name) probably isn't going to talk to me anymore, and as of right now he is lost to memories mostly. he was so great, and yet, such a loser. Guess why! cause david says something has been rekindled (ok, thats in my words, but thats what he meant.) I don't really know what to do though. I still like javier, but i'm starting to like david again. Hes just been so... comforting. even though he didn't know i needed that really badly. I just hope (which i'm pretty sure it wasn't) that it wasn't just a one night thingy. like, we're still the same, and i told him to take his time. but he's goin back to how we used to be, and i am kinda too. there are things i'm remembering about him that i totally forgot, and there are things he's saying that i forgot about, and then ther's all the passion (& lust) we used to have...its still there. strong as ever too. ugh! so hard to not give in... one thing i hope he doesn't try to do is kiss me at school. but i don't think he will...i hope. you can never really be sure about that kind of thing. If Javier sees or catches on, everything will be disasterous. But then again, i know he was watching me tm 'sum1' at ms. bartlett's party. i told him within the last couple weeks (in the time he's been a jerk-off) that i miss having someone to tm randomly, and then i'm tming someone there. HA! thats only what he gets. I could feel him kind of fuming, but it was only brief, he got over it within a few minutes. And thats why i don't care to deal with him much longer cause hes not even focused on me anymore. he used to turn off his phone when he was with me, and tell me everything, now i can't even get a hug out of him. he says he's gonna tell me whats going on, but i shouldn't have to wait to even hear what he's thinking about. cause if he needed to think for a little bit to be with me, then that means that he doesn't really want to be with me, and if being around me makes him have to take more time to think, then thats not what he's doing. If being around me makes things worse, (even though i understand) then that tells me something completely different than what he's saying. but then again, i have a feeling that hes going to come to me during the summer and want something. oh well. i guess i'll just have to wait and see whats gonna happen. his loss. david has been amazing for some reason and i don't know why. i know i'm over him, but that doesn't prevent me from wanting him again. what i really want is to lock myself in my room for a few days (with provisions) and just gut my room while listening to some really good rock and metal and alternative and punk. but mostly rock and metal. and eminem. and prescilla knows that eminem is my vent music. and its not that i really need to vent, its just thats kinda how i'm feeling lately, like nothing matters, fuck everyone, and i only need myself. even though i really want david for some reason. ugh. so frustrating, and yet, i'm making it so simple in my mind. Rigo wants to play all these unnecessary games, and david just wants to have a good time. Rigo is doing exactly what i was getting away from by not being with anybody, and david is willing to just be there, just friends and/or more. so basically Rigo=bad David=YAY! I'm sorry Javier, but i just can't take it. I've been hurt too much, and unless you're at least willing to meet me halfway, then i just can't find the time for you, or rather, i just can't deal with finding the time for someone who wouldn't do it for me anymore.
got to close.
much love,
BLaZE
Posted by sakurablaze130
at 7:30 PM
Wednesday, 3 May 2006
ugh. i hate life
Mood:
 sad
Now Playing: the drone of ms. syzdek in the library
Topic: depression is a bitch
so, like i said. depression is a bitch. it really sucks that i have to settle with a sad icon thingy instead of a depressed one. like really.
i can't even think its so clouded by thoughts that say nothing matters anymore, why am i here, etc. i can barely even get it out right its so clouded.
i told chelsea vija that i wasn't coming to school today. no one seems to like him. but no one has ever really liked the people i pick out. makes me wonder if i should choose the people that make the judgements, or the one who is being judged wrongly. hmm... i usually choose the friends. but maybe thats my problem. I missed 5th period, my government class. itll probably be an unexcused absence. i could right a note, but i don't feel like that either.
-----
ok, so now its like the 8th (happy b-day katie!!!) and i still feel like shit, but i don't care, i'm not gonna let it get to me for the most part. (screw rigo. i don't give a shit.) i've been unacceptably moody lately. i really wish i could figure out a way to just be at peace, but i don't know how to work that out. so far, pot is the only thing i've figured out, and i don't really want to smoke anymore, even though i can't help myself. (he's a loser, and couldn't dream about what he's missing out on.) anyways...
so a thought just struck me. something that i told myself to start reminding me was that when i get upset its usually cause i know something is wrong, i just haven't realized it yet. Now, i've been getting upset recently (or was last week) and then i found out something, and i'm not getting upset like i was anymore. Why can't i listen to myself. It would really help me out. damnit. i hate that i stopped listening to instinct when thats all i used to listen to. High School has changed me so much. and now its like it won't even matter in the long run...
Posted by sakurablaze130
at 2:41 PM
Updated: Monday, 8 May 2006 8:21 PM
Wednesday, 12 April 2006
myspace surveys
Mood:
 crushed out
Now Playing: nothing
| The Best Myspace Survey | | * . . About You . . * | | Eye Color:: | Hazel | | Hair Color:: | Red | | Height:: | 5'5 | | Favorite Color:: | light blue, black, and green | | Screen Name:: | sakurablaze13 (for everything) | | Favorite Band:: | Blink 182, but thats a tough one | | Favorite Movie:: | pointless question. They probably wounldn't be able to fit. | | Favorite Show:: | and this is no different than the last question | | Your Car:: | oldsmobile '89 | | Your Hometown:: | Houston! | | Your Present Town:: | ...houston, duh. | | Your Crushes First Name:: | I cannot reveal that at the present time (he might be reading, and that would be bad) | | Your Grade:: | 12th. in high school | | Your Style:: | phh. like i have one that can be named...unless you count every one there is (in some sence) | | * . . Have You Ever . . * | | Sat on your rooftop?: | not necessarily mine... | | Kissed someone in the rain?: | no, cause they were all too un-romantic. | | Danced in a public place?: | if you count only everywhere as a public place, then yes. | | Smiled for no reason?: | Yes. (but secretly, there is always a reason) | | Laughed so hard you cried?: | Definately, what else is life for? | | Peed your pants after age 8?: | no. | | Written a song?: | several, but i will never reveal that to you | | Sang to someone for no reason?: | there is always a reason to sing, bad voice or no. | | Performed on a stage?: | yes. | | Talked to someone you don't know?: | yes. | | Gone out of your way to befriend someone?: | on numerous accounts | | Made out in a theatre?: | ha. of course. thats what they're for. unless you actually want to watch the movie, and in that case, I'm watching the movie! | | Gone roller skating since 8th grade?: | ... ... I'm not sure, one of my friends needs to answer this one for me. | | Been in love?: | ...not with anyone that is here now. | | * . . Who was the last person to . . * | | Say HI to you?: | some random teacher that just walked by a second ago. | | Tell you, I love you?: | My dad. | | Kiss you?: | can't remember | | Hug you?: | Adam! | | Tell you BYE?: | ...i don't count goodbyes, only hellos (hello, hello!) | | Write you a note?: | write me?? hmmm...either Kandiace or David...its been a while since i got a letter... | | Take your photo?: | Marcus | | Call your cell phone?: | Marcus | | Buy you something?: | Javier or Marcus | | Go with you to the movies?: | I do believe that would be Cristopher | | Sing to you?: | no one sings to me. everyone is so scared that their bad voice will not be liked. | | Write a poem about you?: | wow. unless someone else has written one since jon, idk | | Text message you?: | Angela T. | | Touch you?: | Adam. since he was the last person to hug me afterall. | | * . . What's the last . . * | | Time you laughed?: | out loud? last night. | | Time you cried?: | well, i did stub my toe a few days ago...maybe a tear escaped. | | Movie you watched?: | The American President (for Government class) but scratch that, i pick the Phantom of the Opera | | Joke you told?: | I don't have to tell jokes to be funny | | Song you've sang?: | blue october, calling you | | Time you've looked at the clock?: | now. (11:16) | | Drink you've had?: | water. from the water fountain, (but i think it was poisoned) | | Number you've dialed?: | My Dads | | Book you've read?: | Witch-hunt, and i'm reading a Canticle for Leibowitz now. | | Food you've eaten?: | Egg McMuffin. bitches. | | Flavor of gum chewed?: | trident original. the very best | | Shoes you've worn?: | these old volleyball shoes that coach gave me. and my sandals | | Store you've been in?: | walgreens?? | | Thing you've said?: | pass that. | | * . . Can You . . * | | Write with both hands?: | not really | | Whistle?: | yes | | Blow a bubble?: | with what? my face! | | Roll your tounge in a circle?: | hehe...among other things.. | | Cross your eyes?: | yes | | Touch your tounge to your nose?: | no. loser | | Dance?: | if you call a white gurl tryin to shake her ass dancing, then yes, very well. | | Gleek?: | ?? | | Stay up a whole night without sleep?: | yup. | | Speak a different language?: | parts of other languages...i can understand most spanish (thats a no) | | Impersonate someone?: | does mimicking count? | | Prank call people?: | i can, but i don't. | | Make a card pyramid?: | ooooh. i used to have so much fun with those | | Cook anything?: | i love cooking, and baking. | | * . . Finish The Line . . * | | If i were a ...: | kaleidoscope | | I wish ...: | it was you. | | So many people don't know that ...: | i'm irresistable. | | I am ...: | irresistable, as i've said before somewhere in this survey. | | My heart is ...: | not for anyone. | Take this survey | Find more surveys
You've been totally Bzoink*d |
Posted by sakurablaze130
at 2:44 PM
Thursday, 2 March 2006
hehe...he's got a joint!
Mood:
 celebratory
Now Playing: eminem
Topic: private eye
4:05 pm
ok, so i'm like talking to myself right now for what reason, i don't know. but ykm! omg! shorthand is the sht! i know i'm a nerd, because i'm like so looking forward to having to take classes. and like, how to shorthand, and how much i wanna study... ugh. i'm such a nerd. private school managed to brainwash me a little bit... and gretchen...omg. st. Pius?? how do you think she's surviving. her mind's gonna turn into a mush of facts and motivation... just think of me if i went there. cause it was either there or HSPVA...HSPVA, ya, right we can all see mary being some big artist even though i do come from a family of costumers and designers of all sorts. i'm supposed to be some big legend at the wortham (they're very cult-like...and superstitious. practically live together. my dads been home maybe 12 hrs the most in the last half month. thats a half day in 14 days. stage life for you. when i was little and couldn't be on my own at the house, my mom or my dad would bring me and everyone in the building helped raise me. when my mom had to be on stage, the seamstresses would watch me. or my dad would take me back stage with him and get the guys to clean up around me so i wouldn't see anything i wasn't supposed to. they were scared of him. i love my dad. they all knew that my dad knows people that could get you to dissapear. and not in a governmental way. people. huh. ok, well i'm going to go finish trying to clean my room. check you later. don't wait up for me.
much love,
mary
aka
BLaZE
Tags: private eye
Posted by sakurablaze130
at 8:40 PM
Saturday, 25 February 2006
Partay
Mood:
celebratory
Now Playing: black eyed peas - pump it
Topic: work today...is slow
1:36 pm
Your Friday Horoscope!
A good feeling may finally arrive after a few days of being under the weather. Tonight might be the first chance you get to feel like yourself again. Avoid struggling with any deadlines; relaxation is the key to reinvigoration.
Ha! first chance to feel like myself again!! ya, all the drinking. it has been a while since i was myself...lol. i think its funny.
--
for once a shout out to traci: you rock! happy birthday!
Posted by sakurablaze130
at 12:01 AM
Sunday, 19 February 2006
blueberry rocks
Mood:
celebratory
09:16 pm
so, like, i was thinking, how i would break it off with chelsea vija, i would say, the reason you think i'm so pretty is because you can't have me. think about it, i won't say it back. i do think it, but not in the way you do. so take the hint, and leave me alone.
Tags: blueberry rocks
Posted by sakurablaze130
at 12:01 AM
Sunday, 22 January 2006
sweets
Mood:
 don't ask
ok, he's back in town and he's been back in town. but its getting to me. its starting to get to me. its the relapse. i was hoping this wouldn't happen. but i knew it would, even when i was still around david, i knew. when i was with david, it was hard to imagine anyone else but him. so it was hard accepting david. and i still don't think i can accept anyone else. thats how i knew i was serious about staying single. cause i knew i wouldn't be able to handle accepting anyone else but him. i can't stand not having him. i constantly feel like crying everytime i think about him. about what i lost. about what he lost, how great it could've been. how much i love him. how much i can never have him again. i keep imagining myself in the future, the apartment i'm going to have, how i'm going to decorate it, and how he's not going to be there. how alone i'm going to be because i don't feel like anyone else but him. how i would prefer to be alone than have someone else. i can't take it. i'm going to break down. this is so hard. so much harder than anything i've ever experienced. or at least it feels like it. crap. now i'm starting to cry at work...
Posted by sakurablaze130
at 7:36 PM
Tuesday, 17 January 2006
The Sex Men Don't Want
Now Playing: stars by switchfoot
Over Accessorized Erotica
He doesn't want to spend twenty minutes trying to get you out of that lacy underwear contraption you've rigged up, when it's so much faster ripping off those worn cotton panties that you usually wear. We're all for variety, but he doesn't want to fornicate with a fashion victim.
...lol!
Posted by sakurablaze130
at 11:21 PM
Sunday, 15 January 2006
salvia
Now Playing: stars
I went legally insane on friday the 13th
salvia
Posted by sakurablaze130
at 1:24 AM
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